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[personal profile] mordwen
People keep asking me how I am and I keep answering that I'm tired. It's true, but for some reason, I never get around to saying the rest of what's going on, which is that I am growing as a person in ways I never imagined but had an inkling might be possible or that I sensed on the horizon the way you can smell the aroma of a fantastic restaurant around the corner that you've never been to — you've no idea what it will look like, or who will be there, or whether you'll like it, but you know the food smells like something you'd like in your life.

Yesterday, we went to our storage unit and selected a large quantity of items we'll be selling at the Northcote high school car boot sale next Sunday (9am till 3pm, come along and say "I admit I'm a geek" to us and we'll give you a special LJ-reader discount). Last Sunday, I went around the house doing the same thing. I'm a pack rat: voluntarily discarding things to make space in my life, not for the new, but simply to have room, to have space, is unheard of. I'm even getting rid of the black octagonal crockery set I've had since my 21st birthday (and I have tons of the stuff -- it was an eight-piece set with matching wine glasses, cheese platter, salad bowls, the lot). It is too hard to keep clean and shatters into tiny shards that are too dangerous for a baby. In its place for now is a simple 16-piece set of hand-painted bright rainbow crockery, sturdy and fun.

I was grumping a little to Doug the other night that he's right, I'm too detail-oriented and it's been really obvious in big-picture meetings this week at work... and then I realised with a thrill that I've never before been calm enough and engaged enough for this relatively minor attribute of me to be an issue... I've been too busy dealing with the huge stuff that has got in the way of me clicking with the team: my bossiness or my curtness or whatever other issue has come up.

I'm loving watching my child's delight in the world. I'm enjoying blossoming new friendships. I'm enjoying my own resilience and the commitment that goes into parenting with someone. I'm enjoying the challenges that come with a relationship when you really have taken "okay then, let's break up" off the table as an option for the foreseeable future unless some major dealbreaker occurs. What I mean by that is, the things that you find yourself working through and finding compromises for because you *have* to, because you either live with it or you change it or you fight for the next 20 years about it because whatever it is, it's not as important as staying together right now.

I have friends right now who are going through hard times. And it's not like my life is *easy* or *fun* right now. Harper was very sick this week: she had a temperature of 39°C on Tuesday and didn't sleep most of Monday or Tuesday nights. I've been sick with a low-level cold for over a fortnight now. What's changed is my attitude. One of my new friends, [personal profile] narrelle , has a motto that sums this up in some ways: Thankfully, I'm brilliant, and I can. Doug is teaching me — sometimes directly, sometimes through the way he interacts with Harper — that there are many ways of being brilliant: physical ways and emotional ways and spiritual ways and intuitive ways.

Last Sunday, after we'd gathered up all the junk and after a hard week where we'd fought about various things, we took a couple of kites and went down to Quarries Park and sat under the blue sky on the green grass. Harper slept in her carrier on my front and Doug sat behind me and supported me. Above us flew our yellow box kite, dancing with the wind.
I'm learning to treasure the moments of silence with our arms around each other, becoming a family.


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January 2011

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